Frustration Creek

It has now been 2 weeks since my 2nd heart surgery. It seems like a blur now. Now, I am home recovering, again. I’m sorry to say, but I need a major attitude adjustment. This is much more difficult than the first time around in some ways, and easier in other ways. I am in less pain this time around, and I feel very mobile. I do not feel very much short of breath compared to surgery #1. Physically, I feel good. My mom and I went on a 4-5 mile walk only days after returning home from the hospital. On the other hand, my doctor has put more restrictions on me. She does not want me to over do it at all during the first 12 weeks, so I need some new hobbies. I’ve been planting succulents.

Worst of all, this time I have to give myself hefty doses of antibiotics through a PICC line in my arm. I have to do this 4 times a day. These medications are broad spectrum because they do not know exactly which ‘bug’ caused the bacterial endocarditis (heart infection).

This is actually the hardest part…

I thought that I was done with uncertainty. I thought that after my first surgery, everything would be fixed and I wouldn’t have that dark thundercloud of uncertainty looming over my head any longer. People who get bacterial endocarditis once are more at risk at getting it again. Now I have this to worry about. Also, the fact that we don’t know which bacterium caused it, means that I don’t know how to prevent it. It probably came from my mouth though, because I had a week or so of bad bleeding gums, which is a common entry point for mouth bacteria that can cause Bacterial Endocarditis. So now I practice immaculate oral hygiene.

Sorry about all of this ‘woe-is-me’ crap. I need to get it out of my system. I feel more confused than ever. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the face by a donkey, and I’m sitting on the ground wondering what the hell happened. I thought I was home free, but now I’m lost without a map, alone.

The good news: I’m not dead. I’m trying SO HARD to remind myself of that. WHY the hell do I need to remind myself of this fact?!

I mean, I was literally days (or weeks) from death. This is something to be thankful for.

I’m trying.

owchie